Face to Face with Fear!

It’s almost time to transform! One more day to Go! Tomorrow, I wil be having a rendez vous with my fears, an appointment to confront them face to face. This is a new experience for me. Being an individual part of an unknown group in an unknown country. I prepared my body by doing power training. I prepared my mental health by taking meditation. I have a few good friends at my back-and-call may anything go wrong, although I am confident enough to know I can conquer my fears without any outside help. But I still find it quite exciting and this feeling of anxiety is overwhelming. I hear my inner voice yelling, my spirit screams NO!!! to the spiritual suicide I have been commiting for so long. I have to free my mind, let my inner strenght take over and say YES!!! I will enjoy as much as possible!!! I am going Canyoning in the mountains. Atlhough they are not the mountains of my beloved motherland, they are still mountains, mountains surrounding the Mediterranean Sea, The mountains that I have desired for and missed for soo soo long.

I will bring this heart of rose quartz and pendant with me which my family gave to me. This way they will be with me to witness the progress I make and restore peace in my mind if the night gets too long…


Gay Pride

Dramatic Black & White

Who hasn’t heard/knows about one of the biggest Dutch street festivals, known as “Amsterdam Canal Pride”, or simply “Gay Pride”. This is the positive stance against discrimination and violence toward lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people to promote their self-affirmation, dignity, equality rights, increase their visibility as a social group, build community, and celebrate sexual diversity and gender variance. Pride, as opposed to shame and social stigma, is the predominant outlook that bolsters most LGBT rights movements throughout the world.

Back in 1998, at the third celebration of the “Gay Pride”, the Canal Pride was combined with the Gay Games. The pride was not near as well known or big as it is these days, back then it still had some sort of a cult status. My neighbor which happens to be one of my best friends, was always very aware of human rights and social development issues so when she heard about this upcoming event she convinced me this was something we had to see for ourselves so we decided to go and check it out.

Back then, the event still had to take form, and it was still very different from what it has become today. At the “Dam-square” in the center of Amsterdam a big stage was built where various festivities would take place. We found a spot near this stage and we would wait for the musical event to begin. Weather-wise it was a quite chilly and a bit rainy with occasional sunshine. Because I got goose bumps, my friend rubbed me on the arm to make me feel more comfortable. This action was misread by some bystanders, and one of the spectators (which were predominantly  gay men) approached us. As we kind of stood out in the crowd, he came to us and asked “Hi, are you ladies from Holland?”. “Yes, we are” we both said. He: “But, you don’t look like regular Dutchwomen. We laughed and said “We have Turkish roots”. His eyes started twinkling more even. My friend said in Turkish to me “çaktırma, he thinks we are lesbian.” So, we decided to play along and see where this would lead. He was very interested in our story, and besides the fact that we were both straight, we told him the truth. We have known each-other since high school and we met through mutual friends. After a while we discovered we were living only a few doors down from one another and we had known each-other for 4 or 5 years now.

He thought our story was amazing and had to laugh about it. Before he came up with more questions my friend rapidly asked “How about you, what brings you here?” He told us he was from France and heard about this festival and traveled alone to meet more gay people. He then told us a story of himself having been on a journey to Morocco. He said that over-there has had an affair with a local taxi driver.

Despite the taboo on gay sexuality he told us it was easy to practice homosexuality in Morocco. Because in Morocco it’s custom for men to be holding hands in public, according to him all men do so. During his stay the taxi-driver would take him to the park where they could walk freely holding hands and nobody would think anything off it. But then he told us the taxi-driver’s wife and children walked behind them…. This part of story gave me an ambiguous feeling. So far I was understanding and and happy they found a way to be themselves. But when I heard about the taxi-driver’s family part I could only imagine how this would would feel if she ever found out her husband cheating on her in front of her and their children…… And her offering her hospitality to the tourist as she is supposed to do so…. Finding out would without a doubt scar her for life, and I don’t even wanna think what this would do to their children. That thought infuriated me and I felt so sorry for the wife and the children, as a woman I felt repulsed and I couldn’t listen to this friendly Frenchman any more. Out of politeness I faked a smile and said goodbye while nodding my friend we had to move along.

His story has been bothering me ever since. Why is it so hard for society to accept people as they are and show some tolerance. Due to social pressure people feel forced to pretend to be someone they are not, forced to live a double life like the taxi driver in the story. Forced to go abroad to experience holding the hand of the one you love without fear of being discovered. And I realize that to see similar circumstances we don’t have to search that far. I know for a fact that these things happen all over the world, even in “liberal” countries like Holland.. As long as this intolerance and social repression exists, families will suffer and a number of children will be deprived of the love and honesty they need and deserve and some of them will even grow up in a broken home.. I can only hope the future generations will be wiser and they will learn to accept the love between people regardless their race, religion or sexual orientation..but till then:

Happy Gay Pride,


Carry On


"Carry On"


Hi There,

Making this art-piece called “Carry On” was a process of reflection for me. I realize the meaning of protecting vulnerability in life now. I used to open my heart and was victim of  a superficial life. During my life I have listening and helping others with their struggles while neglecting myself, careless considering myself, almost becoming invisible. Which
tends to be so much easier anyway, right?

But at some moment, I was wondering where and what did do I wrong each and every time? Why do I keep making the same mistakes again and again, the mistakes that keep
me from opening myself for peace and happiness, the mistakes that kept
me from finding and accepting love? And I’m not merely talking about the
love as can be found between lovers, but I’m talking love in a much
broader perspective. It’s the pure love that exists within every
relationship, the kind of love that grows in every bond people have, the
kind of love one needs in life, the kind of love that gives power and
energy, the kind of love one needs to carry on…..

There was always something inside of me that blocked me, prevented me to take my next step. I started to investigate my inner self, took a deep and confronting look in the inner
depths of my soul and behavior, I wanted to know where this conscious vicious circle
started. But this time I was well aware of my actions and feelings, I
had all my alarm bells turned on. I knew this was a hazardous path to
take, it might turn into an uncontrollable tornado which is gonna screw
me up a bit and leave me scarred once more…. But I also know, this
time I will not let the darkness consume me as a whole, only to leave me
hurt and unprotected as it has done so many times before. Cause this
time I feel the power of my in-dependency is growing and most
importantly, this time I let my maternal instinct be my guide! I have to
follow this path, without doubt and without fear…. There is a treasure in my heart that remains to be discovered … I am not giving
up… This time I will be victorious… and until I am….

I will Carry On …. 😉



Lately, I hear more often of middle age people “I collect memories”. Yes me too, but what are u doing with those memories and how many memories did you collect? Memories about what?
Is being a memory collector a new hype or is it something u can share  and bring up when u meet new people so you have something to talk about? If I tell about my memories in a  social environment, I can feel the emotions and joy like that moment when it happened, it inspires me to search for that feeling again in a different context. If I am feeling down or struggling the ordinary hustles of our daily life. I tend to think back to one of my favorite memories that always gives me good vibes, even as it happened a while ago, if I remember correctly it was in 2004.

I then was part of a clique of 6 ladies, we all were colleagues and worked hard for 3 years. Always stayed tight whether our company was going through good or bad times. But it was sort of our 3 year anniversary so this had to be celebrated right? We thought we deserved it and I’m still pretty sure we did! So we pulled all the stops and decided to go all out. We rented a white limousine. We were on the top of our game that night, dressed to kill, all having a good hair day and make up took care of the rest, we were at full power, pride and glory. We were all sooo beautiful, soooo pretty and all felt soooo happy.  As we got in the limo we told the the driver “Hey mister driver, put some music on. We are going to have fun!”  And the mood was set…

We went to a club somewhere in the Netherlands and the driver enjoyed seeing us having a good time so he told us “Well ladies have a lot of fun and be safe, see u back in a couple of hours ;)” And when we entered the club together all the people turned to look atus. We had a great great party, cocktails, music, dancing with the local people. Everybody was enjoying the moment and having a good time. So this is what it must feel like to be a celebrity. I absolutely loved every second of it, devoured every moment there as if it was my last one..

But all good things must come to an end, so we waved everybody goodbye, left the club, got back in the limo. And said “Hey mister driver, please open up the sun roof”

I stuck my arms and head out of the sunroof and the all I remember is me closing my eyes and feel the wind stroking my hair and caressing my face. “Woooow” At that moment  I totally experienced and understood the concept of feeling pure joy and live your life in total  freedom.. This is an absolute fantastic memory I have collected, reliving that moment in thought always strengthens me and tends to brighten up even the darkest day. I hope you enjoyed reading it, maybe it will help you get to know me a little, or at least help you understand me a bit. If you have similar memories, memories that give you strength and hope, or simply memories that you feel like sharing, you are free to do so in the comments, I’d love to hear them ;)….


A piece of my life

After a year of self-understanding, self-unfolding and self-development the question arose: Am I strong enough to take another step out of my comfort zone?

Currently I am reading books and I get inspired to overcome fears. Actually I have always been daring to take risks, like switch jobs and start my own enterprise. Go on holiday with friends or even go traveling alone. Device new projects to develop my creativity, give exhibitions and accept new challenges.  I discovered what goes on behind the scenes, beyond the reach of what is considdered common in most standard households“. And much more….

But Today I want to write about my decision on how I will spend my summer vacation.
For some time I have been considering to undertake more action as this will help me rebuild my confidence. Should I take a holiday lying on the beach, lounging with a cocktail and read more story’s about other people’s dreams? Or should I get some adrenalin kick and feel the fear and bring back life in my heart and body and make some of my own dreams come true? Well…quess what?

Hey universe I’m on fire and gimme the time of my life before my time is up!

Just booked my Trip to go canyoning with a group that I don’t know yet in Torbole.
Yep, here I come big mountain!!!






Meet Derya

Paris July 2015 (54 of 62)

Hi, I am Derya and thank you for visiting my new blog. I am an artist of middle eastern descent living in Western Europe right now. On this blog I will share parts of my life with you. You will learn about my journey through this thing called life, I will keep you updated on my personal growth, mishaps and everything that you might find interesting. Of course  a great part of this blog will be about my art and what inspires me in creating this, but let’s see how this enrolls okay ? Please keep visiting as I plan on updating my blog regularly, and if you feel on commenting, feel free to do so ;)…